I happened upon a note today that Hugh wrote me around 2007 and as we were deep cleaning the office I found more mementos and treasures. I unearthed the book that we had made when we were in Mexico, one of our FAVE places and FAVE vacations EVER. It was one of those cheesy books when you have a day with the dolphins and you capture all the NOT so natural poses with the marine animals. THE THING THAT HIT ME WAS HOW HEALTHY WE BOTH LOOKED.
I was overwhelmed with emotion and kept saying to myself, but he was so healthy then. I did not expect to be taken over by emotion and hit with the grief punch. I called a friend (thanks Erica) and was trying to tell her about it but could not choke it out of me through the tears and my paralyzed throat. I caught myself saying, “those damn cigarettes.”
THEN I CAUGHT MYSELF AND I SAID…. NOPE I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT LAMENT THAT BECAUSE…… How many men sat on our porch with Hugh, smoking cigarettes, drinking very good coffee, praying deep prayers, sharing deeper pain and reaching higher heights? I can not and I will not discount any of that life and it hit me and I shared with my friend.
I HAVE TO TAKE ALL OF IT OR TAKE NONE OF IT AND I CHOOSE TO TAKE ALL OF IT, THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE SAD, THE DREADFUL. Because at the opposite and in the middle of all of that is all the joy, kindness, love, tenderness, miracles and just plain life. None of us get out of here without loss but thankfully we have far more joy than we. can count. Thankfully I had a love and a life that was measured in gratitude. I was just cherished, there is no other word I can think of and that is a gift that can never go away. The tides can not take it to sea and the full moon can not take it away, rather it reminds me each time that I had and still have a life to be thankful for.
Thank you Scotty for reminding me to look at the moon tonight and making me laugh so. Thank you my precious children, grand babes, Beachy babies, friends and just precious humans who wrap me in love. Thank you Jen for the lunch invite tomorrow. Thanks to my sweet Tana for bringing a creative and expressive flair to my home…. I love it so much. Thanks to my precious fundraising group for helping pull off a whopper of a Bash to raise money and hope. Thank you to my daughter for helping me navigate some rough terrain and having a heart that is more filled with fire than her hair. Thank you God that you DESIGNED me to find the magic in the mess, and the joy in the tempest tossed life, and mostly thanks for helping me know that all is well in your world and in mine.
All of it, All of it, Thanks be to my sweet Heavenly Father for all of it. And so it is.