Dear Hugh,
I have really felt like I am scoring high marks on this grief journey as if there is such a scoring system. Turns out that is not the case. Tonight as the full moon peeked over the trees, the majesty and the enormity and the heaviness…… the heavy weight of your absence hit me. I sobbed alone but I quickly pushed it away, wanted to get it out of there go back to my usual joyful state. I did not want to rest in this place. I don’t need to tell you how foreign sadness and the allowing of it is to me.
As per God usual I am sent a message once again, just for me!!! I read a post by Shauna Niequest, you would love her, I mean really love her. She is our people. I will let you read it for yourself, but in essence she is talking about Holy Saturday and how we need not rush through the sadness of it. That joy will surely come tomorrow on resurrection day, but in due time. It can not be rushed. Of course the idea of that is not really a welcome thought for me.
So we weep, grieve, mourn. Let your shoulders slump down, let your knees buckle, let the enormity of the darkness be felt.
Don’t force hope, don’t pressure yourself to generate resurrection feelings. Not yet.
For today, only settle into the silence, the darkness, the doors swung shut.
Holy Saturday is the way through to Easter Sunday—but it is made to be walked slowly, deeply, not sprinted past. It has gifts to give us along that challenging, slow path—gifts most of us never experience because we’re trying to jump over it, hustle past it, instead of walking right through the center and soul of it. ~ Shauna Niequest
Hugh, I really do know that grief is an up and down, valley-mountain and back again experience. I have learned so much this past year as we come to the time our lives were changed. I am still convinced that because I have known this valley time the mountain times are sweeter. I am more aware of God’s grace and the sweetness of a reliance on the tender loving touch of Jesus in my life. Grief has plunged me deeper into an abiding hope in God and as you always said….. whatever it takes to bring us to God then that is GREAT!!! Your words, not mine.
Holy Saturday will end as the sun and moon change places. I will wake to the sunshine and the hope of another grace filled today. But for tonight I will miss you and be grateful at the same time. I will miss you and be hopeful as Easter is hopeful, as resurrection power is mine.
How fitting that on Holy Saturday God sends us a full moon just so you can wink at us and remind us that we were so very loved by you!!!
Your family misses you deeply!!!! We promise to keep doing those things that make you proud that we are your family.
Looking to the heavens with hope and loving you deeply,
Your wife,
Karen proud to be Smith
ps. We have enough deserts tomorrow to put any diabetic into a coma
pps. Your boys are doing great and I should see them before too long…. super excited.
pps. We need you to talk to Jesus about helping our other family members that are struggling with addiction.