How could it be 19 full moons since you left us? You know that old song, “If they could see me now, those little friends of mine?…. Well in the real song they say, eating fancy foods and drinking fancy wine or something such as that, but for me I think if you could see me now you would be proud of some of the choices I am making. But on the other hand I have to stop myself from berating my self for not making them sooner.
You were so patient, so very patient with me when I tried to cram 26 hours into a 24 hour day. Why you did not fuss at me, I don’t know but you did not. You chose to praise me for the good that I was doing and you overlooked so many, many glaring things. I guess you knew that there are just somethings we have to learn ourselves. I think it was, Mark Twain who said and I paraphrase, “There are some things you can only learn by swinging a cat by the tail.” I guess the point is you will only do it one tine!!!
I wish I could say that I only swung the cat one time, I swung and swung and swung. I tried for so many years to fit more into a space and more into anything that clearly had a limit. While in some regards it is a good thing to have unlimited beliefs, I am still not too realistic in that regard, but I now know that doing it all really is NOT possible. While it may be possible to do many things, you just can not do them all that the same time.
I know, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking,” but Karen you gave me the space to work my recovery program and do many things that I loved.” Yes, Yes that is true, but oh what I would give to have a few moments of nothing and doing that nothing with you. I know that I can not go back and when my mind goes there I wrestle it back to, today, the only place I can change. Funny this life thing, can not be lived backwards.
Grief has been one of my greatest teachers. It has allowed me to realize more of what is important. My values have not changed, however my attention to my values has changed. I am learning that being still is an activity to be relished. I am learning to stop and listen, really listen. I am learning that faster is not always better!! Ha, Ha I know you are rolling over on that one!!! You knew about taking it slow. Don’t forget it took you 5 years to figure out that I would make a better wife than girlfriend!!!!
I have been taking trips by myself quite often and although I enjoy them immensely, there was nothing like a trip with you. Of course we ate breakfast at 2 in the afternoon, but what I would not give to have that 2 pm breakfast now. I laugh when I think about how much I fit into a day and how you thought that was hilarious. And equally funny was how little you could fit into a day but your day was FULL, because you always kept the main thing, the main thing. I try to do that to the best of my abilities now.
I am so thankful each time I look at a beautiful full moon. It does not remind me that you died, it reminds me that you lived and I so enjoyed your time on this planet. God gets to enjoy you fully now and I can not be mad about that. I am thankful for the time that God blessed me with you and oh what a blessing it was. It was such a big blessing that death can not take it!!!
Oh Hugh, thanks for being the very best husband to me and the very best G-daddy, the very best sponsor, the very best dad and bonus daddy!!! I beam each time someone brings up your name and each time it is with honor and great regard. You changed so many, many lives and most of all you changed mine and continue to do so.
Loving you the best I can from where I am!!!
Ka, trying not to run so hard
ps. Remember when you addressed all my love notes in that funny way like, Kay- still running, Kay-running and running and running.
pps. I should have take a hint!
pops. I still have your lime soap at your place at the sink, I just can not move it. I use it from time to time to remember that smell. It was and still is a perfect fragrance. It was you.