Sitting here trying to decide what I need to write about, I feel how I used to feel when I was in the library for hours surrounded by books, my best hardback friends. I don’t want the night to end, I want to read and write and discover and find new ways to talk about the things I love and the things I cherish and every time it comes back to this. No matter what, no matter how, love always, love anyways!!! Especially those that aggravate you, especially those that are different, especially those that stretch you. Because if you only use that love for those that are easy you really have missed the biggest blessing of all.
It has been 2 years since Hugh moved in with Dad so this is a perfect time to get out his Big Book and see what he highlighted, but that really is not even needed as I can hear so many lessons ringing in my head and in my heart so I want to share them with you in honor of him. Hugh represented with his life and his actions what loving others completely looks like and that is my measuring stick and it is a big one, an unlimited one and a loving one.
This was one of his fave prayers from the Big Book,
“My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen.
In the recovery rooms they would all agree that this prayer is supreme and not living it at all times and to the best of your ability through the grace of your loving Father was the biggest block to the sunlight of the spirit. We had many talks about how important it was to take a daily inventory and sometimes more than once a day of the wrongs that you had done to your fellows. It was never about what wrong had been done to you but what you had done to others.
One of my most beloved things about Hugh was his ability to apologize and when he was wrong promptly admit it. He explained to me that this way of living was not a suggestion but THE WAY to have a life of complete peace in a sometimes unpeaceful world. It was the way for his happy destiny and sobriety. I got to witness it for over 20 years and it changed me and it formed and solidified our relationship.
If you knew Hugh you also knew that besides his AA big book, The four agreements was his other go too and that is why it was with us at his day of celebration. One of the passages says, “What you think of me is none of my business and to be impeccable with your word, Kindness was not an option, Kindness was a constant way of life. For if I am unkind to my brother, he may forget it as time goes on but I carry that unkindness in my heart forever. It is too big a price to pay.
I don’t always get it right, but I sure try because I have lived this love way enough to know it brings me the deepest of peace. I want to live in peace, it is my most important thing in my life, yes even more important than cake or jewelry. More important than being right, or being popular or being agreed with.
One more quick story before I go and I will change his name to protect his identity. Hugh had a person that he had worked with for years and try as he might he could not convince the fellow to fully let Go and let God and give in to the full expanse of that love. He just could not wrap his arms around a God that he could not see or a God that he must give his life and his will over to. Hugh even had placed a post-it-note in his big book with his name and the thought, “He does not yet believe.” He prayed for about 8 years for this fellow, although sober he was not at peace and was not walking in the love that was available to him.
The last week of his life, when Hugh was still in his somewhat right mind, this fellow called and said,” I get it Hugh, I finally get it.” All anger, all rage, all the doubts and all the disbelief fell away. Hugh was so thankful and so at peace knowing that his friend was now fully free to love God and to love people.
More important than my business, more important than anything I hold dear I want to pray that prayer that I would let go of anything that is keeping me from being fully love. I don’t want to carry that, it is too heavy. I want to be of use to God and to my fellows.
To say I am grateful does not even cover it. I know that what I was blessed with was unique and special and one of a kind. And to think God saw fit to let me experience that kind of love that can only come from a loving Father, or Dad. I am thankful that Hugh was my husband and I am so thankful for the legacy that he left and that I am blessed to carry on. I want to make him proud and I want someone to call me one day and say, “Karen I get it, I finally get it.”
Loving God. Loving People. Loving me. Loving you.
I just can not love you enough,