On bended knees, One day at a time.

Tonight I was commenting back to a friend who stated, “I am glad that you got your son back.”  I thought to myself, I thank God daily, on bended knee.  I spent so many years on bended knees begging God, bargaining with God, manipulating God for my sons to be sober.  I was not successful with my Father but I thought surely God would come through for my kids.

Jail, rehab, near death, jail, institutions, jail, absent, homeless, jail, street living, begging, hopeless and now redeemed, hopeful, happy, successful and sober.  That is our life now but generations of bondage to drugs and alcohol were our lot for a time.

Let’s back up to the Father, my earthly Father. He had pretty blue eyes that looked like the ocean and wavy hair and the sweetest disposition. He did not yell, he did not fuss, he was so kind and sweet and everyone knew him as Curt. I even called him Curt, it just seemed to fit.  He was very generous and had no love of money or power or prestige. He was kind and non judgemental and he suffered and died at the hands of alcoholism. Oh yes he was smart and educated and successful for a time before he drank himself to death. 

He was around 62 years of age, my age and in a quiet hallway I made the decision to take him off life support.  A very kind doctor friend stood there and held my hand as God held my heart and I made that decision.  My brothers were both in the throes of their disease at the time and one would lose his life  at the hands of drugs and alcohol and the other would make it through, one day at a time..

Let’s go back a little in time to a time where Curt at his bottom and holding me in his lap told his 12 year old daughter to pray for him. He did not want to drink but he could not stop.  So one day I was tired of all the drinking and the lack of stability and when he was at work, I packed his bags and put them at the front door. When he came home I asked him to please take his bags and leave and not to  come back till he was sober.  That was February 20, not sure of the year but I remember the date because he went and got help and was sober for 18 years!!!!!!!!!!

So how do you go from sober to life support after 18 years of sobriety?  I can tell you all the reasons in another sharing but suffice it to say that he forgot that he was an alcoholic. He forgot that he could only be sober one day at a time and it was a spiritual malady that had a daily reprieve.  He forgot that just one drink, would lead to just one more then ten more. He forgot that honesty with himself and others was at the heart of this disease and it took him further than he intended to go.  

Today my sons are sober, my brother is sober and it has nothing to do with me or anyone else, or any bags packed by the front door, or yelling or crying or bargaining with God. They got sober when they hit their bottom and they cried out to God to help them one day at a time.  They will keep their sobriety one day at a time, with God’s help and they will keep it ONLY if they give it away. That is how it works.  Alcoholism is a disease and it will rob you of everything that is dear to you. But on the flip side when you learn to live with God’s ease and grace you will find peace and a love and a life like none other.  

So yes I am still on bended knee. But I am praising God, I am thanking God and I am reminding myself that this day is a one day at a time day for rejoicing. It is my prayer that my brother and my son’s have started a new legacy for this family. One that they all can be proud of and I can spend the rest of my life on my bent thankful knees!!! One day at a time. And so it is.