Dear Happy Asses,
Since I have been sick with covid for over 6 weeks when my brain worked slightly I had time to think about so many things. I thought so much about my health, even though I thanked God for my health and my life and all the people in my life, I am now thanking on a different level. I am thanking as if it is my job to thank. I am looking at the most simple of things and finding wonder in it and at the same time, I am wrestling to make sense of how I am feeling, how I felt, and the illusion of what I would be in this situation to the reality of how I was.
I have always been able to weather any storm. Whether it be adultery, divorce, death, drug addiction, poverty, brain surgery, single motherhood, raising grands, loss of business, loss of property, and growing up in a tumultuous alcoholic home. I was proud to call myself the Unsinkable Molly Brown. I thought I was the kind of girl you would want as your leader on the Titanic because certainly, I would find a way to love us all through and lead hymns, hold your hand and give you comfort. I knew that whatever came my way I could meet it with calm resolve because after all, I have proclaimed over and over with a hint of braggadocious attitude that Calm is my superpower.
I erroneously imagined and thought that there was nothing that I could not go through and not be able to keep my joy, my peace, and my positive attitude because why not it had always served me before. I always imagined that if I was faced with a life-changing or a life-threatening situation that I would walk bravely into the night and be a victor with no battle scars. You would be amazed at how strong I am and was.
Well, let me tell you the reality of where I have been and the road I am walking on now. Suffice it to say, that I was none of those things. I was not brave, I was not joyful and I was not the unsinkable Molly Brown. Everything and all the times before where I felt that there was nothing that was impossible to me, all of that flew out the door in the face of Covid to the extent that it manifested itself for me.
I have also always prided myself on enjoying being alone. I thrived on it and trips by myself and many nights of long hours reading and writing and contemplating and looking up to the empty room with a smile on my face. This experience has changed that part of me. I love having someone with me. There is comfort there. I wonder if it was facing the unknown by myself and the unsure nature of what is around the corner. Not sure but now we laugh because if someone is going somewhere, I am like the kid sister who always wants to tag along. I wonder if they have a name for this crazy stuff in the medical journals?
So what is the point of all this? I wanted to share with you openly and honestly so that I could take a moment to honor the breaking point in all of us. Don’t worry there is a happy ending or rather I am working towards that happy ending. The good news about our breaking point is that once we walk through the broken pieces, we find greater and more humble strength. We learn that even if we break for a time, we are not broken forever. I have learned that it is okay to admit that I am lost and don’t know my way. Thankfully if you are surrounded by love and I am, there are always people that want to help and love you through the scary places.
Please know that through it all I am so thankful, so very thankful each day that I wake up and I smile so big. I know that I have another day to love a lot of people. But I also have learned that it is another day for a lot of people to love me and another day for me to admit that I need you. It is another day for me to say, God is still working on me.
I can not thank you enough for all your prayers and all your love and all your kindness and your patience. I pray to spend the rest of my life thanking God and all of you.
Karen, not so molly after all and that is okay!!!